I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore…I’ve started running again.
I love running, more than anything. I did so much sport as a child. I was obsessed with sport. I honestly believe I had issues with exercise addiction long before I ever developed anorexia. So returning to physical activity feels kind of like coming home. I feel like myself again.
At the same time, I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t be able to stop running. I live in perpetual fear of losing control of my mind and ending up on a slippery slope back down to anorexia, hospital and death. I don’t want to go back there. I am pretty certain that I don’t even want to die anymore. So why am I doing this? Is it because it’s part of who I am and I’m still the sport obsessed little kid that I used to be? Or is this just anorexia being as cunning as ever, tricking me into thinking I’m okay when I’m not?
I don’t know 😔
I should be able to exercise and just enjoy it, like any other person. But the worries snowball so fast. I am so afraid of myself. I’m still eating. Theoretically, I should be absolutely fine. But the fear is always there.