Running and worrying

I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore…I’ve started running again. 

I love running, more than anything. I did so much sport as a child. I was obsessed with sport. I honestly believe I had issues with exercise addiction long before I ever developed anorexia. So returning to physical activity feels kind of like coming home. I feel like myself again.

At the same time, I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t be able to stop running. I live in perpetual fear of losing control of my mind and ending up on a slippery slope back down to anorexia, hospital and death. I don’t want to go back there. I am pretty certain that I don’t even want to die anymore. So why am I doing this? Is it because it’s part of who I am and I’m still the sport obsessed little kid that I used to be? Or is this just anorexia being as cunning as ever, tricking me into thinking I’m okay when I’m not?

I don’t know đŸ˜”

I should be able to exercise and just enjoy it, like any other person. But the worries snowball so fast. I am so afraid of myself. I’m still eating. Theoretically, I should be absolutely fine. But the fear is always there.


One thought on “Running and worrying

  1. “I should be able to exercise and just enjoy it, like any other person.”

    I felt this so often. I have finally realized that I simply can’t exercise like normal people do, for health. I do it for body manipulation and caloric burn. Even when I start a moderate program I end up amping it up. My body is now damaged, permanently. I really hope that someday I might be able to at least go for walks but for now, I can’t think that way.

    I hope you can slowly change your thinking into health reasons over anorexic reasons. How about saying, “I’d like to exercise for enjoyment,” rather than, “I should,”? I tend to think in terms of shoulds; perhaps that will change in time as well.


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