“You are not fat.”

I hate saying the words “I’m fat.”

I never say those words out loud, partly out of shame and embarrassment. I fully understand that I’m not actually fat, so saying it sounds absurd to others and I’m worried about people laughing at me. But I think the real reason I don’t say it is because when I say I’m fat, the response is always:

“You’re not fat.”

I cannot stand people telling me that I’m not fat.

“You are not fat.”

I hate it so much that I even resent the words themselves when they’re written completely out of context. Even writing this blog post is making me angry.

There aren’t really words to describe the feelings that come over me when someone suggests that I am not fat, but basically it makes me so angry that my whole body tenses up and I feel sick in the stomach, I often shudder or have to turn my head away, and suddenly I get a really strong urge to do very violent things to myself.

I’m afraid one day that I will lose control and actually do those things to myself. I’m very, very afraid that that will happen. So I avoid that conversation altogether.

This might seem like a good solution, but what it means is that I am never, ever able to talk to anyone else about what is actually going in my head. All the horrible thoughts just sit there and fester in my mind. The longer I refuse to talk about my body image, the more warped and twisted my concept of myself becomes and the more anorexia begins to take over.

I wish I could speak about my problems, but I don’t know how to without becoming a danger to myself. Years of speaking to psychologists didn’t work, because I was never able to say what I was really thinking.

It’s strange how the illness is so self-perpetuating like that.

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5 thoughts on ““You are not fat.”

  1. It seems like you’re hitting a rough patch. I agree with you that saying “You’re not fat” isn’t helpful. Please please please don’t let it get to the point that you’re put into a mental hospital because I’ve been hospitalized three times and I’m so much worse now because of it. Not only is my ED way worse, but I have also developed new mental illnesses because of it. I understand if you don’t really want to recover but I’m going to tell you this anyway. The only person that can recover for you is yourself. Take it from somebody who has been forced into a false recovery meaning I have to lie that things are okay when they’re not. Hang in there xx

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    1. Unfortunately I know exactly what you mean 😔 I was hospitalised a few years ago, and you describe it pretty well. Involuntary hospitalisation is traumatising. I’m really sorry you’ve been through that too.
      Doctors would classify me as “recovered”, because I’ve put on a lot of weight and have a healthy BMI, but I don’t really feel much better to be honest, and I live in paralysing fear of being put in hospital again. I don’t feel like these thoughts are ever going to go away.

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      1. I agree. My biggest fear is telling the truth about how I really feel because I don’t want to land back in the hospital so I have to lie. I can’t forget my roommate hanging herself in the bathroom with me as a witness. Hang in there xx

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      2. amywinterblog – I’m glad for the treatment program I was in. They stressed the importance of dealing with emotional health as well as the physical. They said we couldn’t have one without the other. I had been threatened with residential and am soooooooo glad I got into the one I went to instead of an inpatient program. I feel for you.

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  2. Even though I don’t say, “I’m fat,” I still think it and when people tell me I’m not, I still think they are just saying that to make me feel better about myself. The funny thing is that the lower the number is on the scale, the fatter I feel (and see myself). I was told that Body Image is the last thing that is dealt with in recovery. I wish it was the first but know that without dealing with my behavior, thoughts, actions, and so forth, I’d never get through body image talks. Ugh…. isn’t it all a bit complicated? And I don’t like complications!

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