I hate saying the words “I’m fat.”
I never say those words out loud, partly out of shame and embarrassment. I fully understand that I’m not actually fat, so saying it sounds absurd to others and I’m worried about people laughing at me. But I think the real reason I don’t say it is because when I say I’m fat, the response is always:
“You’re not fat.”
I cannot stand people telling me that I’m not fat.
“You are not fat.”
I hate it so much that I even resent the words themselves when they’re written completely out of context. Even writing this blog post is making me angry.
There aren’t really words to describe the feelings that come over me when someone suggests that I am not fat, but basically it makes me so angry that my whole body tenses up and I feel sick in the stomach, I often shudder or have to turn my head away, and suddenly I get a really strong urge to do very violent things to myself.
I’m afraid one day that I will lose control and actually do those things to myself. I’m very, very afraid that that will happen. So I avoid that conversation altogether.
This might seem like a good solution, but what it means is that I am never, ever able to talk to anyone else about what is actually going in my head. All the horrible thoughts just sit there and fester in my mind. The longer I refuse to talk about my body image, the more warped and twisted my concept of myself becomes and the more anorexia begins to take over.
I wish I could speak about my problems, but I don’t know how to without becoming a danger to myself. Years of speaking to psychologists didn’t work, because I was never able to say what I was really thinking.
It’s strange how the illness is so self-perpetuating like that.